English
Beware of heard, a dreadful word
That looks like beard and sounds like bird.
And dread: it’s said like bed, not
bead—
For goodness’ sake don’t call it “deed”!
Watch out for meat and great and threat.
(They rhyme with suite and straight and
debt.)
A moth is not a moth in mother,
Nor both in bother, broth in brother,
And here is not a match for there,
Nor dear and fear for bear and pear,
And then there’s dose and rose and
lose
Just look them up—and goose and choose,
And cork and work and card and ward,
And font and front and word and
sword,
And do and go and thwart and
cart—
Come, come, I’ve hardly made a start!
A dreadful language? Man alive!
I’d mastered it when I was five.
And yet to write it, the more I tried,
I hadn’t learned at fifty five.
—T.S. Watt
As seen in Crazy English
by Richard Lederer
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